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Depressio
joulukuu 19th, 2018
Memorial for the people who’ve committed suicide, sometime during my childhood years:
Parent: ”Suicide is the most selfish thing.”Me, at adult age: ”And that’s what I believed, too, until I got sick. Depression is one hell of a mental illness.”
Me: ”Of course I can only talk about myself, but there are some things that help me.”
Routines
Balanced diet
ExerciseMe: ”And I have medication, of course.”
But sometimes, despite all of this, darkness fills the mind. My brains just do not produce enough pleasure and happiness hormones, or the effect is short.Me: ”And well… Depression is not a choice, silly tosh, or laziness.”
Me: ”The most distressing thing is when one does all the possible and it does not help.”
Me: ”All depressed people do not even have healthy coping mechanisms.
How does it feel to be a person, who feels no pleasure from ANYTHING?”Me: ”And with all added blaming to top it.”
[someone is being pointed with fingers labeled as ’negative’, ’selfish’ and ’attention whore’.Me: ”I don’t even know where I am going with this comic.”
Me: ”Umm, I guess my point was that we should treat ourselves and each other with compassion.
Other depressed people: search for those healthy coping mechanisms. One day the sadness will end.” -
Syitä elää
helmikuu 25th, 2018
I am in bed, thinking: ”What are my reasons to live?”
1. Osku would wait me hopelessly to return to home.
2. I promised Miia that we would visit one park in spring.
Me: ”Yeah, we could go…”3. I would also love to see the birds’ spring move.
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LÄÄKKEET!!
joulukuu 6th, 2017
Me: ”If this fucking depression could ease up on me, that would be fucking nice!”Someone: ”Have you taken your meds?”
Me: ”Well, I forgot. Shut up!” -
Masennus
joulukuu 20th, 2016
Sisältövaroitus: masennus, itsetuhoiset ajatukset
Trigger warnings for depression and suicidal thinking
Me: ”Somehow I have often thought that being depressed is like being possessed.”
”One thinks thoughts that don’t feel one’s own.”Me, depressed: ”Mostly I am pissed off because of my shitty attitude, idiocy and tardiness.
I would jump in that card board shredder myself, if it did not bring problems to others.”Me: ”It might scare my inner circle of people, and others deny its existence completely.”
Me: ”It actually made me feel better to learn how the thing works on organ level.
It has something to do with amygdala, stress hormone and developing brain.”So, next time:
Someone: ”How can you be like that?!”
Me: ”Depr…”
Someone: ”Depression is whole lotta hooey! You have no reason to be depressed!
It is only in your head!”
Me: ”My unstable childhood environment and unequal treatment in elementary school made my amygdala produce stress hormone non-stop, which damaged my developing brain!
Of course it is in my head!”Someone: ”Oh…”
ETA// Mantelitumake on siis käskenyt jonkun toisen osan pöhöttää kortisolia oikein kunnolla, stressihormoni ei kehity itse mantelitumakkeessa.
Amygdala has commanded some other part of my body to process a lot of stress hormone, it does not develop in the amygdala itself.
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”My blood pressure, pulse and blood glucose are on okay level!””Now, if only we’d get my mood up and my weight down, things would be well.”
Me thinking: ”And I would not personally mind that weight thing, but doctor and nurses keep lecturing me.”
Me: ”We also had an anniversary on 19th of May.”
Santeri: ”Nine years!”Me: ”I had an epiphany about my relationship some time ago.”
At depression nurse:
Me: ”It grinds my gears when my boyfriend says we’ve grown distant.”
Depression nurse: ”Have you asked if he wants to get closer?”
Me: ”…”
[I get an epiphany]
”A thousand dollar question!”
”Halleluuujaaaaah!”
”Ding ding ding!”
Me thinking: ”How come I did not think of that before?!” -
Ei jaksa II
elokuu 12th, 2016
”I have not been well, but not unwell either.””I think it might be because of meds.”
”Creative things do not work.”
”But writing has not worked for quite some time, anyway.” -
Ei jaksa
toukokuu 25th, 2016
The mind won’t let me rest.
And body feels like it’s out of charge. -
Väsyttävää mutta tarpeellista
toukokuu 13th, 2016
Me: ”Nothing amuses me and it seems like I have no energy to do anything.”Me: ”I wonder if yesterday sucked all of my energy?”
I went to a depression nurse.
Me: ”Well, my parents are alcoholics…”And to a lingerie store supported by Eerika.
Eerika: ”It’ll be fine!”Me thinking: ”Amazing how stuff like that can tire a person out on the next day.”
At least I got stuff done.
Depression nurse: ”Visit my office a couple of times more, but we can look into that therapy.”Me thinking: ”I did not even remember how a proper, tight support feels like!”
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Kourallinen tabuja
toukokuu 9th, 2016
I went to a control visit to the doctor’s.Doctor: ”Yeah, these blood sugar levels are pretty high despite the meds.”
Me: ”My dosage was raised. I also got something to lower my pulse and a med for my low mood.”
Me: ”So, the morning’s amount of meds is:
1 x mood medication
1 x blood pressure medication
1 x pulse lowering medication
2 x blood sugar lowering medication”Me: ”In the evenings, I take birth control pill and again 2 x blood sugar lowering pills.”
(Also there are possible pain killers and allergy meds)I felt like I would certainly forget something.
[details swirling around my head.]
Me: ”Ummm…”So I wrote a plan for taking care of myself.
Me: ”So, here I have a list of medicines I take in the morning and in the evening, and other things to remember.”
”Like not skipping breakfast.”For morning medication, I bought a pill dispenser.
Now it’s really good to ration meds!
Me: ”Evening medication I remember and know without this dispenser!” -
On painajaisia ja PAINAJAISIA
elokuu 25th, 2015
I dreamed…In the dream I was going to home with a friend. We were coming from taking care of my pet chickens and heading to a spa.
Me: ”Let’s swing by my place! I’ll get my towel. We can also get some treatment paid on my credit card.”
By my home, I felt something was wrong.Me: ”Could you wait here?”
Friend: ”Okay!”In the kitchen my mother waited for me in stiff state of drunk.
”Oh, you decided to grace me with your preshence?”
I don’t say anything, just go grab my towel.
Bathroom tab is dropping black water and the sewer does not work.After getting the towel I say to my mother:
Me: ”Well, um… What if I visited Taina(* for a couple of days?”
(* Godmother
Mother: ”To help or lazying around? ’Caushe she hash ashked you many a times… ’To give you peace for a couple of daysh’! Bah!”Me: ”Well, I would take a part in household work if I visit longer…”
Mother: ”Whatever! WhatEVER! Drop dead to the ground for all I care!”
Then I woke up.”HUH!”
It took a little while to get to understand what was going on.
”I am at home with my loved ones. Everything is fine.”
Anyway, there are reasons why I don’t care to keep in contact with my mother.
…I am sorry it has to be like this, but I have to protect myself.
