Tag: depressio
  • Masennus

    joulukuu 20th, 2016

    Sisältövaroitus: masennus, itsetuhoiset ajatukset
    Trigger warnings for depression and suicidal thinking

    011016
    Me: ”Somehow I have often thought that being depressed is like being possessed.”
    ”One thinks thoughts that don’t feel one’s own.”

    Me, depressed: ”Mostly I am pissed off because of my shitty attitude, idiocy and tardiness.
    I would jump in that card board shredder myself, if it did not bring problems to others.”

    Me: ”It might scare my inner circle of people, and others deny its existence completely.”
    011016_2
    Me: ”It actually made me feel better to learn how the thing works on organ level.
    It has something to do with amygdala, stress hormone and developing brain.”

    So, next time:
    Someone: ”How can you be like that?!”
    Me: ”Depr…”
    Someone: ”Depression is whole lotta hooey! You have no reason to be depressed!
    It is only in your head!”
    011016_3
    Me: ”My unstable childhood environment and unequal treatment in elementary school made my amygdala produce stress hormone non-stop, which damaged my developing brain!
    Of course it is in my head!”

    Someone: ”Oh…”

    ETA// Mantelitumake on siis käskenyt jonkun toisen osan pöhöttää kortisolia oikein kunnolla, stressihormoni ei kehity itse mantelitumakkeessa.

    Amygdala has commanded some other part of my body to process a lot of stress hormone, it does not develop in the amygdala itself.

  • elokuu 12th, 2016

    190516_II
    ”My blood pressure, pulse and blood glucose are on okay level!”

    ”Now, if only we’d get my mood up and my weight down, things would be well.”

    Me thinking: ”And I would not personally mind that weight thing, but doctor and nurses keep lecturing me.”
    190516_II_2
    Me: ”We also had an anniversary on 19th of May.”
    Santeri: ”Nine years!”

    Me: ”I had an epiphany about my relationship some time ago.”

    At depression nurse:
    Me: ”It grinds my gears when my boyfriend says we’ve grown distant.”
    Depression nurse: ”Have you asked if he wants to get closer?”
    190516_II_3
    Me: ”…”
    [I get an epiphany]
    ”A thousand dollar question!”
    ”Halleluuujaaaaah!”
    ”Ding ding ding!”
    Me thinking: ”How come I did not think of that before?!”

  • Ei jaksa II

    elokuu 12th, 2016

    180516
    ”I have not been well, but not unwell either.”

    ”I think it might be because of meds.”

    ”Creative things do not work.”
    ”But writing has not worked for quite some time, anyway.”

  • Ei jaksa

    toukokuu 25th, 2016

    160516
    The mind won’t let me rest.
    And body feels like it’s out of charge.

  • Väsyttävää mutta tarpeellista

    toukokuu 13th, 2016

    110516
    Me: ”Nothing amuses me and it seems like I have no energy to do anything.”

    Me: ”I wonder if yesterday sucked all of my energy?”
    110516_2
    I went to a depression nurse.
    Me: ”Well, my parents are alcoholics…”

    And to a lingerie store supported by Eerika.
    Eerika: ”It’ll be fine!”

    Me thinking: ”Amazing how stuff like that can tire a person out on the next day.”
    110516_3
    At least I got stuff done.
    Depression nurse: ”Visit my office a couple of times more, but we can look into that therapy.”

    Me thinking: ”I did not even remember how a proper, tight support feels like!”

  • Kourallinen tabuja

    toukokuu 9th, 2016

    280416
    I went to a control visit to the doctor’s.

    Doctor: ”Yeah, these blood sugar levels are pretty high despite the meds.”

    Me: ”My dosage was raised. I also got something to lower my pulse and a med for my low mood.”
    280416_2
    Me: ”So, the morning’s amount of meds is:
    1 x mood medication
    1 x blood pressure medication
    1 x pulse lowering medication
    2 x blood sugar lowering medication”

    Me: ”In the evenings, I take birth control pill and again 2 x blood sugar lowering pills.”
    (Also there are possible pain killers and allergy meds)

    I felt like I would certainly forget something.
    [details swirling around my head.]
    Me: ”Ummm…”

    So I wrote a plan for taking care of myself.
    280416_3
    Me: ”So, here I have a list of medicines I take in the morning and in the evening, and other things to remember.”
    ”Like not skipping breakfast.”

    For morning medication, I bought a pill dispenser.

    Now it’s really good to ration meds!
    Me: ”Evening medication I remember and know without this dispenser!”

  • On painajaisia ja PAINAJAISIA

    elokuu 25th, 2015

    240815
    I dreamed…

    In the dream I was going to home with a friend. We were coming from taking care of my pet chickens and heading to a spa.

    Me: ”Let’s swing by my place! I’ll get my towel. We can also get some treatment paid on my credit card.”
    240815_2
    By my home, I felt something was wrong.

    Me: ”Could you wait here?”
    Friend: ”Okay!”

    In the kitchen my mother waited for me in stiff state of drunk.

    ”Oh, you decided to grace me with your preshence?”
    240815_3
    I don’t say anything, just go grab my towel.
    Bathroom tab is dropping black water and the sewer does not work.

    After getting the towel I say to my mother:

    Me: ”Well, um… What if I visited Taina(* for a couple of days?”

    (* Godmother
    240815_4
    Mother: ”To help or lazying around? ’Caushe she hash ashked you many a times… ’To give you peace for a couple of daysh’! Bah!”

    Me: ”Well, I would take a part in household work if I visit longer…”

    Mother: ”Whatever! WhatEVER! Drop dead to the ground for all I care!”
    240815_5
    Then I woke up.

    ”HUH!”

    It took a little while to get to understand what was going on.

    ”I am at home with my loved ones. Everything is fine.”

    Anyway, there are reasons why I don’t care to keep in contact with my mother.
    …I am sorry it has to be like this, but I have to protect myself.

  • Viestejä universumilta

    elokuu 16th, 2015

    120815
    Happened yesterday:

    Me thinking: ”I feel awful… I don’t think I have the energy to go to the shower or cook food.”

    Me thinking: ”Oh well, I got some salad done. Maybe I’ll go to the shower too.”
    120815_2
    Later the same day:

    Me: ”I can take over here, since it is already three minutes until four pm.”

    Co-Worker: ”Okay!”

    Co-Worker: ”I’ll go now. You’re the best!”

    Me thinking: ”Um?”
    120815_3
    Customer 1: ”And you radiate such friendliness! It is really rare in Helsinki!”

    Me thinking: ”Um?”

    Customer 2: ”You speak good English!”

    Me: ”Well, I practice a lot!”

    Me thinking: ”Is the universe trying to say that I am quite okay, anyway?”

  • Fake it ’til you make it

    elokuu 12th, 2015

    110815
    ”I have a secret.”

    ”I fake being happy and brisk.”

    ”I was kinda hoping that I could have faked until happy and brisk would have been the reality…
    But this is so damn hard.”

  • Tyytyväisyysmittari

    elokuu 9th, 2015

    060815_II
    [Satisfaction meter is on green]

    ”So many great postcards, wow!”
    060815_II_2
    [Satisfaction meter is going on yellow]
    060815_II_3
    [Satisfaction meter has crossed to red]